The Christmas Elephant

I like the real St. Nicholas and hope to visit him at the north pole in heaven

but for now some of the Santa Claus stuff at Christmas is bothering me

and I am wondering if it isn’t time

for a new tradition, such as the Christmas elephant.

people could let the Christmas elephant loose in the mall 

and as it wrecks all the stores 

kids can just pick out whatever they want right then.

kids will be like 

what happened to santa claus

and the good moms and dads will say
The Christmas elephant sat on his lap.

    

The shift of the rolling bop stop

If someone said they tamed some animals

But then you saw that it is just their pet guinea pigs

Who don’t bite that hard,

I would say, you might want to teach your own heart some honesty next time.

Then I would pour a glass of lemon lime soda all over my face.

People would take me to the hospital

And after several weeks of trying all the medicines

And recording a whole album of shrieks,

The right doctor will give me a bag of skittles

And say what’s really going on here?

And I will answer,

“I want a pet guinea pig too.”

Religious Poetry

Evangelicals should try some new strategies 

like hiding communion in the buffet at Golden Corral,

but I am still planning to be a member of First Presbyterian in Purgatory.

I wonder how rude it is to just sign the bulletin at church instead of singing.

Were there muppets on Noah’s ark?

People should be careful 

taking an elevator through their problems 

to talk to God.

There could be a pool table in the basement 

with a platter of refreshments from who knows where, 

and some friendly talking rodents signing anyone’s permission slip.

When it’s a potato’s birthday

When it’s a potato’s birthday,

do you put a candle in the potato?

Or do you put a candle in the cake
that you made for the potato?

A Cloud of Glory

A cloud of privilege to hide the suffering

A cloud of suffering to hide the gift

A cloud of gift to hide the work

A cloud of work to show the love.

A poem I found in my mind

When people are sad because they lose something

Sometimes everyone says

"You should be thankful for what you have"

But if you are sad about losing something

then isn't that proof that you were really thankful for it?

Mystery Idea

What if you were on a jury for a murder case

and then you figured out

that the defendant was innocent

and the person who really did it
was on the jury with you.

Casino Poem

The angel animals

in heaven

who are perpetually gambling

on our behalf

with each gold coin

that they are given

when we say and do the right thing

might win big

with the dollar they get

when people say

they don't believe
in gambling angel mice.

Poem

What if you were in the hospital

And it was the Neurology Unit

And they gave you some Jello
And it was gray and wrinkled.

Salvation is not all that God does

When people repay my kindness

With ding dang ding dang

Chopple chopple bing bang

I stand up and sing a song of freedom

And I open a briefcase

With a little mouse inside

That holds a tiny poster saying

Everything God does

Is salvation.

cursive and red ink

God is not pleased

With some of my ways and means.

And sayings and doings

And glances and musings.

With some of my wheelings and dealings

And thoughts and feelings.

And my no good two faced underhanded

yellow bellied crooked swindles.

My snap flap clap trap escpades.

And yet my name is written

In the one and only

Book of life

And the ink and signature

Was probably lifted

With a carbon print
Right off of one of my traffic tickets.

Hmm I wonder how I figured this out

If you are a cashier
and you are mad at people
then instead of saying
"Have a great day"
you could say
"Have a gray day"
and people would probably not know.

The Path of the Rolling Night Fire

Some people 

are sounding the war gong 

But I am here to say

That Chiquita

Like Chiquita bananas

Should have a clothing line.

And the soldier mice will say

"You will suffer me,"

Just like in the movies

But one little mouse will say

"I want my mommy"

So they will make him a cook

And we all know what you will do

You will say

"I forgot my wallet"

And then who will pay

Well it will be Jesus Christ

With his blood on the cross.

Some people

Some people are good but wrong. 
Some people are right but bad. 
Some people are bad and wrong 
but are telling the truth. 
Some people are good and right 
and are telling the truth 
but they are being mean. 
Some people are nice 
but aren't telling the truth. 
Some people are nice
and right and good and are telling the truth  
but aren't doing what they are supposed to. 
Some people are bad and wrong and mean 
and aren't telling the truth 
and aren't doing what they are supposed to. 
Some people are mad.

This poem is a filler just for cash.

Most of my other poems

were sincere attempts

at little jokes

but this poem

is just to take up space

on paper and in people's minds

in hopes that I can get a little extra cash

to spend on advertisements

to try to sell
this poem.

The Easter Frog

Something that people don't talk about much is the Easter Frog.  The Easter Frog is friends with the Easter Bunny and stops at some of the same houses, but also stops at some houses where the Easter Bunny doesn't go.  The Easter Frog doesn't usually visit people on Easter, because he can't risk getting caught.  The Easter Frog has to keep out of trouble so he can visit the people who most need him.  The Easter Frog doesn't leave candy in a basket out where people can see it.  Instead, he sneaks some nice surprise into people's ordinary days when they are least expecting it. Usually people don't even know that they have been visited by the Easter Frog.  They simply find a wonderful smooth stone on their way home from school, or they get an extra cookie on their lunch tray one day, or they find five dollars in an old wallet when they are cleaning.  Sometimes they get something big like a surprise day off that the Easter Frog arranged with their boss.  But it is always supposed to be a secret. If you suspect that something nice has happened to you because of the Easter Frog, you should not tell people that you think you got visited by the Easter Frog.  In fact, you should say "I doubt that this is because of the Easter Frog."

Some people must stay alive

We need some people

to live to tell

to eat some ice cream

and all be well

to pass the torch

and plant a tree

so I keep going
in case that's me.

If I ever don't know what to say

If I ever don't know what to say,

maybe I could just ask people

if they are going to the picnic.

and they will say "What picnic?"
and I will say "I don't know."

The Next Year Reindeer

       At the North Pole, there is a friendly and soft reindeer named Rufus. He is a nice googly eyed deer who likes to wear Christmas lights in his antlers and has a lot of friends who are Christmas mice.

One year he heard about some situations in stores where they ran out of the toys that children wanted.  The managers said to the people, "Maybe next year."

Soon after that, Rufus heard about some parents who wanted to buy some new furniture instead of toys for the kids. When the kids asked for the toys they wanted, the parents said "Maybe next year."

Rufus also went to a meeting with Santa and saw Santa look at a letter from a child who had only been a little bit good that year but was asking for a big toy. Santa put the letter aside and said "Maybe next year."

Rufus cried a little bit and went back to his stable. He talked to his Christmas mice friends and said, "I think these kids should get toys now.  Will you guys help me?" 

The Christmas mice said "Of course," and they hurried to fill up some bags with toys.

At about 9 oclock on Christmas Eve, way before he was supposed to join the other reindeer to pull Santa's sleigh, Rufus picked up the big bag of toys and dragged it through the snow.  Then he and the mice hopped on a bus and started to deliver the toys.  Everywhere he went, people petted him and thanked him.

It was almost midnight but he still had one toy left.  He decided to take it to a little girl who had wanted a wonderful unicorn stuffed animal. 

When Rufus got to her house, the little girl was sipping hot chocolate with her mom. Rufus gave her the unicorn and she and her mom both cried because they were so happy.  They shared some hot chocolate with Rufus and all the mice and gave Rufus a plaid blanket to take home. 

When Rufus got back to his stable at the North Pole, Santa and the other reindeer had already left to go deliver presents. A Christmas bird said to Rufus, "Rufus, why aren't you flying with Santa and the other reindeer?"
   Rufus curled up under his new blanket and said, "Maybe next year."

Joke Policy

I try not to joke too much about rain
because what if it rains near a hospital.

New Criticism

Hey everyone what if there was a type of literary theory

called schizophrenia literary criticism

where the main goal was to read the text

and figure out the meaning of all the secret messages
that are directed to you personally

Anonymous

             Sheila did not know where to sit at first when she got to the AA meeting.  The group ended up putting the chairs in a circle and introducing themselves.  When they got to her, she said, "Hi I am not really an alcoholic but I wanted to come to this meeting because I have another addiction which is trying to please people and use people to get attention for myself."

            "Hi, Sheila," said the group leader.  "this is an open meeting so you are welcome to be here but this is a group for alcoholics and that is not really the kind of addiction that we are here to help with."

            "Honestly," said another member to Sheila, "I take offense to your using the group that way."

            "Well for me it is a big problem, the way I just sign up for everything and do  a lot of volunteer work to impress others," said Sheila.

            "I don't understand how you could come here and compare that to what we have to deal with," said another group member.

            People seemed to be getting mad, so Sheila decided to leave.
           "I am going to leave," she said, "but before I do, do you guys mind posing for a picture for my facebook page?"

Bonus Poem

On Judgement Day,

when God sifts through my poems and says

actually only one of these counts as a poem

and the other ones are really what we would call

"mild expressions" or "profane offenses that jeopardized the future of humanity"

you know what

I wont let it get me down guys

I will say well I guess I am just a one poem poet

and it's a good thing that poem

was a prayer

asking God to give everyone

5 million dollars and a pet guinea pig
and a magic coke machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poem

Spaghetti with meatballs and cheese and sour cream.

It starts with the microwave and ends like a dream.

I like the yummy yummy things that help me have good days.

And poems like this are likely just a part of some odd phase.

I am the fourth guinea pig.

Over the lands of rolling thunder

with the horizon glimmering past the cages dawn,

Fred, Roger, and Dave eat their breakfast,

and I eat my ice cream cone,

free from the oppressive bars

that separate the burden and life,

free from the growing sentiments of discontent

and dwindling waters.

I am the fourth guinea pig who finds the day,

who shuffles around and drinks a coffee drink.

Who uses my freedom to check on the others.
I am the fourth guinea pig.

One of the Pizza Poems Ever Written

Some people are getting a little sassy around here

and I think it's because they want ice cream

or because the air conditioner is loud

or because they applied for a job

or because it's pizza time it's pizza time.

Ok let's everyone calm down.

We can get a pizza.

Pizza pizza pizza pizza

This is not a joke everyone.

Hi Is this is the pizza place?

Do you have my credit card number on file? Why is that?

I dont understand why that is okay but I would really like a pizza.

Well which kind would I like.

Well I think you probably know that and more if you have my credit card number.

Ok yes I do want cheese and bacon and pineapple.

Yeah I did okay on that school paper but the teacher said my joke was rude.

Ok yes please deliver the pizza this time.

I am assuming that you have the key to my apartment.

Ok the pizza is in the oven.

What?  It's in my oven?

Warming up because you guys already made it and brought it over?

Because you knew I would want pizza today after taking the extra anxiety medicine?

Yeah it is true because the panic attacks came back

when my sister said not to give her kids cotton candy.

Oh I guess you knew about that.

Ok because there is a pizza place at the beach too.

Well I wish you guys would have helped yourself to a slice or two.

Oh you did? Ok and you got some limeade from the store.

Ok and some ice cream.

Ok well that is great then I will talk to y'all next week.

Oh yeah I do have that volunteer event Friday.

Ok so it will be a couple of weeks and yeah I would appreciate if you would bring back my pet guinea pigs that you let your kid bring to school for show and tell.

a break in the light is a break in the fight which is a break in the right

 I feel that doing my laundry in a timely manner

will just make me seem like I am a person who gets chores done
and wont that make me a target for the forces of darkness?

Cake Poem

Guys when I write a diet book

it is going to be called

"Done with Cake"

and it will be about how I am never eating cake again

except guess what.

I will eat cake a lot

because I love cake

and I'm not going to stop eating cake

just for a book title

and honestly I am thinking about not writing the book at all
and letting this poem be enough for now but what will never be enough is cake.

A Heartworming Animal Story

            Ralph didn't see any great emails in his account but there was a survey from the pet store that he went to a couple days before to buy food for his pet guinea pigs.  He started to fill it out like he did with all the surveys, giving the service people a ranking of the highest scores possible, which was what he would want people to do for him. He knew that was helpful because he had just finished working in a retail store before enrolling in the college classes he was currently taking. The survey asked if he had any specific examples to share about how he had been helped in the store, and as he had been doing more and more frequently on all the surveys he filled out, he made up a story about how his cashier had helped him. In fact, he said she had saved his life and his pets' lives in an emergency involving a falling aquarium display and an attack from an animal rights extremist group.

            Three weeks later, Ralph got a letter summoning him to court.  It seemed that Ralphette, the cashier who had helped him, was being charged with some kind of misdemeanor based on an incident with a different customer that same day.

            When Ralph got to court, Ralphette, a wonderful and darling nice girl his same age, took the stand and described a situation where a yucky bad person tried to touch her on purpose when she was cashiering and told her she didn't know anything about pet food and then came around into the desk area to grab her shoulder and she had hit him and called him a kangaroo poacher and a french fried frog leg peddler.

            "I would do it all again the same," she said.

            The lawyers said they had checked all the paperwork and surveys from that day and found Ralph's survey suggesting that that very cashier had intervened in a hostage situation.  They wanted to charge Ralph with fraud.

            Ralph took the stand and answered some questions from the lawyers and then the judge, who seemed like a nice and reasonable person.

            "Ralph, do you have anything else to say about this situation?" the judge asked him.

            "Yes," said Ralph. "I was wondering if you guys ever do marriages at this court."

            "We do," said the judge, and she helped Ralph and Ralphette get married that afternoon.  Ralph and Ralphette loved each other a lot and adopted several rescued greyhounds and built a whole wall of aquariums in their house.