just a little joke

what if there was a new ride at Disney World 

called Journey into Tomorrow’s Problems 

and it is one of those simulation rides 

and they shake everyone violently and spray acid on them

two poems about the same topic

 prayers for the well

 

doesn't every girl want to be the dame in the movie who faints,

and every guy the wounded soldier being tended to?

I will not take for granted 

that things I took for granted are gone.

Between winces and sighs,

and sinces and whys,

I'll defiantly spend my credit

that surely I get for this pain

on praying up some blessings 

for the ones not sick but sane.

For everyone still living life and sinning and forgiving

I'll use my tears and pained arears

to bless the lands of living.

Why not? As thank you prayers

for when I was like that too,

with wishes, wants, and hopes, and cares,

and begged for dreams come true.

So now when nightmares haunt me here

and health is shaky, filled with fear,

I'll keep in mind requests for all

who find their life an easy call

Why shouldn't they each get a boost

from prayers that no one thought be loosed

Some coins are for the pinball games,

to ease the loss of health and names.

but some are going straight in wells

for all the well, til heaven's hell

and we are singing, well well well.

 

Prayer Power

 

"pray for my mom, she's crying and dying,"

well you should know without me lying

That God must hear the most from those

who suffer pains while in repose

So patient, I will say to thee

That she should think to pray for me.

Lines at the Grocery Store

 

Buying a box of cereal you don't like, just to punish yourself.

 

Then committing any crime, so as to confuse everyone on Judgement Day.

 

Why not just steal the box of cereal, some may ask.

 

Why not indeed. Except a brand you like which is Frosted Flakes.

 

It can be stolen retroactively if you spend your righteousness credit

on asking God to take away other people's blessings.

 

I guess good theology is hard to come by,

 

And that is why ad slogans can work just as well 

 

if the slogan says something like:

 

buy a can of raid be gone or sing a song to get along,

that's where the cookies come from.

 

Your total is 50 dollars and 99 sins. 

poem

what if you ran 80 miles

and then saw

that the finish line

was a wall of flame

Killer Comedy and the Comedy Killer

Francisco was a comedian in the very populated metro region of the south north quadrant.  His shows had been getting more consistent, and he had a steady income from selling CDs and teaching some workshops.  Most of his jokes were about dating, and office work, or funny things about relatives and awkward conversations.  One night, in the middle of a show, he suddenly thought of a new joke and just blurted it out with no planning.

            “What if someone was born with clothes on?” he said, standing at the mike while the audience roared laughing.  The joke’s appreciative reception was as unexpected as the joke itself. Francisco started riffing on it, creating a wave of humor for the laughter to surf on. “It’s like, okay, do you wash the clothes on the baby, or what.  Like is the baby just supposed to always have clothes on?”  One guy in the middle of the comedy club was laughing harder than everyone.  Francisco continued.  “And do you tell people? Like if they say what a cute outfit, do you say, “thanks, it’s from that store downtown, called Miracle Baby.” Francisco kept thinking of more to say. “Wouldn’t you feel guilty if you had a baby shower and some people would like know that the baby already had an outfit, like the muppets, like Ernie and Bert who wear the same shirt every day?”

            The guy laughing so hard in the middle of the crowd could not stop laughing.  He was keeled over, clutching his stomach, drooling.  His girlfriend next to him slowed her laughing and started to look concerned.  A few other people nearby also seemed in distress, but mostly able to calm down.  Francisco saw him but decided to go for one final punch. “It’s like, okay, so much for hand me downs, you know?”

            This is when the drooling guy fell off his chair, and was suddenly motionless.  He had died laughing.  Some people came to his side and tried to call for medical attention.  Many people still could not control themselves laughing and just left the comedy club. 

            Francisco watched from the stage, started to feel an odd feeling of pride, with some serious bafflement, but then smirked to himself, left the stage, and sat in a back room feeling a sense of power that he felt he had waited for all his life. “I was born for this,” he thought to himself, laughing, hesitating to make sure he would not die from his own joke, and then leaving to go home.

            The joke became part of his routine, and because he toured all around from city to city, people didn’t realize there was a pattern happening when someone would die at every show.  

            “I’m a freakin’ serial killer,” thought Francisco, and then wondered if he could work that idea into the routine some. 

            Finally, at one of the shows as Francisco started talking about what kind of outfit a kid could be born in, like would it have a whale on the pocket or do you make the kid keep wearing the hat and socks or not, people started to lose control like usual.  But a heckler stood up and started giving Francisco trouble.  “Hey man, what we are wondering is what kind of outfit you’re going to jail in,” said the guy standing up.  Some FBI agents then came on stage and took Francisco to the station for questioning. The heckler walked up behind the microphone and said, “This isn’t funny to me.  I was born with clothes on.”

pretty funny

what are we going to say

when we get to heaven

and it's just Jesus 

sitting at a typewriter.

the innocence and the competency

What is needed is magic water to break a spell.

 

Antifa has to sign your social work license 

 

or you can’t be a Christian counselor.

 

You think it’s Africa but it’s Mars

 

You think it’s them but it’s us

 

Trump is going to put Andrew Jackson 

 

On every bill

 

which works out

 

If it means he has to pay for it all.

 

what is a jubilee

 

If not an explosion

 

Of jelly beans on easter.

two new poems

plan

I am going to copyright

blue rectangles

so that anyone who uses

that shape in a drawing

has to pay me 50 dollars.

 

 

Literary Edition

 

I think a good alternate title

for the Bible could have been

"A Very Special Whale"

because of the part in the story

with Jonah and the giant fish.

gibberish

people are saying "one smooth stone."

 

that was so sweet.

 

thanks conspiracy

 

thanks bean pod factory senders

 

if you were on square 9 in any september

 

then you have just won the flatch ratchet skill flag marble.

 

They said don't say any more poems

 

if what you are really trying to do

 

is a math problem.

 

That is a good idea.

 

To just say

 

the answer is 938 plus a repeating fraction,

 

and then let God think of the math problem

 

at some other time in history.

 

So you can say 

 

you were right all along

 

and a mathematician.

 

And maybe some people didn't think of that trick,

 

but still had a phone number,

 

or a sight of green leaves,

 

and their life turns out okay.

"Don't argue with God's decretive will."

Something I have always found crazy

is how there aren't many potpourri scents

called "electrical fire."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the Problem

I'm very rude to America

even though America

hasn't been that rude to me

except for the subway ads

and bad music.

There are freight trains of thought

and roller coasters of thought.

There are Cassandra Crossing movies

about a virus on trains

and that is why we play the piano

on a Tuesday morning

for volunteer work

and a golden coin

from who?

Possibly from Moses

or a cartoon cow

who says moo when you

tell him your problem.

This poem will probably

fix everything

if people read it plus

fix everything.

Inaugural Poem II

Obama is my favorite president. 

I think they should rename Alabama

Alobama.

 

obama gave us a health care bill

the other presidents just made us ill.

 

abraham lincoln wasnt that bad.

james madison did not make me too mad.

 

but some presidents say words like pre-existing conditions, 

when really the goal should have been reparitions

 

That is why I am voting for bernie

to take all the cash that the rich people earnie.

new years resolutions

i have a problem wasting food 

and doing bad too much.

I waste the cheese and then the cream

and then the such and such.

 

but there is proof that i am not

as bad as it all sounds

i can't have wasted everything

to be 200 pounds.

poem

they said this is not a game.

you dont have to concede, you dont have to secede.

you dont have to exceed, you dont have to expel or repel.

you can just be a presbyterian.

it sounds complicated but that is so it will be a surprise

when you find out you dont have to do anything.

like not even clean your apartment

do dishes

care about anyone

or stop the inappropriate fixation on mice and rodents

which might have been the secret all along anyway.

 

God is saying to everyone

I told you not to squawk wrong

or say you don't want a birthday present on halloween.

I will think of something to say, too,

like how am i and how are you.

now i say the code once more

thats 5168234.

it unlocks a building near

down the street on second pier.

there are treasures, food and ham

unless i'm joking which I am.

poem

I think we should keep hope alive

That maybe the confederate generals

Really turned to stone

Poem in progress

Posterity will see my bratty-ness and praise the lord.

Praise the lord that they weren’t like me.

Praise the Lord that Reepicheep did not visit them

Only to find that the entire apartment

Was empty of life

Except for the three guinea pigs

Who will now go to China.

Reepicheep knows what is going on.

He has seen it in his adventures

Out at sea

And maybe at a city,

Or maybe just at ports.

You can eat the cheese grits now 

Or you can order a meal of scallops.

I’ll take the Mexican Corn

For five thousand.

poem

You’re not supposed to make fun of people’s religion
but what if someone falls down at church

Extra Prayer

Dear God, please quantify 4 million seemingly random people factors and take fifteen percentile groups per ranking and give each person and ever growing network based on work habit and casual interest sensibilities 50 trillion jackpot surprise bonus kits distributed in physical space near and far by angelic video game mapping animals who sneak in ten thousand extra prizes per associated friend and worker with nominated nation groups and boundless affiliation add-ons of collected jumble samplers for ten thousand generations with semi-predictable restarts and improvement replacements oriented around comfort standards or expressed wish gradients. Please take all prayers, efforts, endurance factors, and humble habits and attach 45 million prize package 63, 89, 41, 55, and a 400 wild card sampler plus new prize package author assortments to fractional units of either the intent stage indicators or results and causation extremes, replicating a preserved original design base that includes unexpected engineer participation to provide the mapping and personalized blessing presentation of eternal happy barrel theme provisions to recipients in 400 million locations at all times or places imaginable by either machine calculation or comical entertainment suggestions. Please include an optional restart trigger at every grid intersection after applying an invisible label field with secret layers to all spaces in known physical reality or imagination and dream space. Please cause the qualifiers to be rapidly flipping through multiple layer categories and increasing the gains for 800 secret accounts per person and additional inclusion segment, tracked by caring honor ace personnel and fun pets with role assignments. Please comfort the scared or sad people mixed in with all involved societies and participants, and enroll each person and unsuspecting associations in the blessing program for each district, with assigned managers for applying and distributing the extra bonuses based on future eligibilities, lottery entry wins, unrealized merit factors, generational hope and prayer extensions, and a scheduled time or work based broader collaboration meeting with attention permeation for all system providers. Please help everyone have access to the hope and relief benefits of the blessing and provision expansion promotions, as well as the reflected love fest comfort acknowledgments in personal meeting group experiences for ongoing and all-inclusive understanding goal acquisitions with no exclusion exceptions. Please help everyone know what to do for themselves and other people at all times and help us all perpetually benefit from participation in all of God’s provisions of love and food and happiness.

The Christmas Elephant

I like the real St. Nicholas and hope to visit him at the north pole in heaven

but for now some of the Santa Claus stuff at Christmas is bothering me

and I am wondering if it isn’t time

for a new tradition, such as the Christmas elephant.

people could let the Christmas elephant loose in the mall 

and as it wrecks all the stores 

kids can just pick out whatever they want right then.

kids will be like 

what happened to santa claus

and the good moms and dads will say
The Christmas elephant sat on his lap.

    

The shift of the rolling bop stop

If someone said they tamed some animals

But then you saw that it is just their pet guinea pigs

Who don’t bite that hard,

I would say, you might want to teach your own heart some honesty next time.

Then I would pour a glass of lemon lime soda all over my face.

People would take me to the hospital

And after several weeks of trying all the medicines

And recording a whole album of shrieks,

The right doctor will give me a bag of skittles

And say what’s really going on here?

And I will answer,

“I want a pet guinea pig too.”

Religious Poetry

Evangelicals should try some new strategies 

like hiding communion in the buffet at Golden Corral,

but I am still planning to be a member of First Presbyterian in Purgatory.

I wonder how rude it is to just sign the bulletin at church instead of singing.

Were there muppets on Noah’s ark?

People should be careful 

taking an elevator through their problems 

to talk to God.

There could be a pool table in the basement 

with a platter of refreshments from who knows where, 

and some friendly talking rodents signing anyone’s permission slip.