Joke Policy

I try not to joke too much about rain
because what if it rains near a hospital.

New Criticism

Hey everyone what if there was a type of literary theory

called schizophrenia literary criticism

where the main goal was to read the text

and figure out the meaning of all the secret messages
that are directed to you personally

Anonymous

             Sheila did not know where to sit at first when she got to the AA meeting.  The group ended up putting the chairs in a circle and introducing themselves.  When they got to her, she said, "Hi I am not really an alcoholic but I wanted to come to this meeting because I have another addiction which is trying to please people and use people to get attention for myself."

            "Hi, Sheila," said the group leader.  "this is an open meeting so you are welcome to be here but this is a group for alcoholics and that is not really the kind of addiction that we are here to help with."

            "Honestly," said another member to Sheila, "I take offense to your using the group that way."

            "Well for me it is a big problem, the way I just sign up for everything and do  a lot of volunteer work to impress others," said Sheila.

            "I don't understand how you could come here and compare that to what we have to deal with," said another group member.

            People seemed to be getting mad, so Sheila decided to leave.
           "I am going to leave," she said, "but before I do, do you guys mind posing for a picture for my facebook page?"

Bonus Poem

On Judgement Day,

when God sifts through my poems and says

actually only one of these counts as a poem

and the other ones are really what we would call

"mild expressions" or "profane offenses that jeopardized the future of humanity"

you know what

I wont let it get me down guys

I will say well I guess I am just a one poem poet

and it's a good thing that poem

was a prayer

asking God to give everyone

5 million dollars and a pet guinea pig
and a magic coke machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poem

Spaghetti with meatballs and cheese and sour cream.

It starts with the microwave and ends like a dream.

I like the yummy yummy things that help me have good days.

And poems like this are likely just a part of some odd phase.

I am the fourth guinea pig.

Over the lands of rolling thunder

with the horizon glimmering past the cages dawn,

Fred, Roger, and Dave eat their breakfast,

and I eat my ice cream cone,

free from the oppressive bars

that separate the burden and life,

free from the growing sentiments of discontent

and dwindling waters.

I am the fourth guinea pig who finds the day,

who shuffles around and drinks a coffee drink.

Who uses my freedom to check on the others.
I am the fourth guinea pig.

One of the Pizza Poems Ever Written

Some people are getting a little sassy around here

and I think it's because they want ice cream

or because the air conditioner is loud

or because they applied for a job

or because it's pizza time it's pizza time.

Ok let's everyone calm down.

We can get a pizza.

Pizza pizza pizza pizza

This is not a joke everyone.

Hi Is this is the pizza place?

Do you have my credit card number on file? Why is that?

I dont understand why that is okay but I would really like a pizza.

Well which kind would I like.

Well I think you probably know that and more if you have my credit card number.

Ok yes I do want cheese and bacon and pineapple.

Yeah I did okay on that school paper but the teacher said my joke was rude.

Ok yes please deliver the pizza this time.

I am assuming that you have the key to my apartment.

Ok the pizza is in the oven.

What?  It's in my oven?

Warming up because you guys already made it and brought it over?

Because you knew I would want pizza today after taking the extra anxiety medicine?

Yeah it is true because the panic attacks came back

when my sister said not to give her kids cotton candy.

Oh I guess you knew about that.

Ok because there is a pizza place at the beach too.

Well I wish you guys would have helped yourself to a slice or two.

Oh you did? Ok and you got some limeade from the store.

Ok and some ice cream.

Ok well that is great then I will talk to y'all next week.

Oh yeah I do have that volunteer event Friday.

Ok so it will be a couple of weeks and yeah I would appreciate if you would bring back my pet guinea pigs that you let your kid bring to school for show and tell.

a break in the light is a break in the fight which is a break in the right

 I feel that doing my laundry in a timely manner

will just make me seem like I am a person who gets chores done
and wont that make me a target for the forces of darkness?

Cake Poem

Guys when I write a diet book

it is going to be called

"Done with Cake"

and it will be about how I am never eating cake again

except guess what.

I will eat cake a lot

because I love cake

and I'm not going to stop eating cake

just for a book title

and honestly I am thinking about not writing the book at all
and letting this poem be enough for now but what will never be enough is cake.

A Heartworming Animal Story

            Ralph didn't see any great emails in his account but there was a survey from the pet store that he went to a couple days before to buy food for his pet guinea pigs.  He started to fill it out like he did with all the surveys, giving the service people a ranking of the highest scores possible, which was what he would want people to do for him. He knew that was helpful because he had just finished working in a retail store before enrolling in the college classes he was currently taking. The survey asked if he had any specific examples to share about how he had been helped in the store, and as he had been doing more and more frequently on all the surveys he filled out, he made up a story about how his cashier had helped him. In fact, he said she had saved his life and his pets' lives in an emergency involving a falling aquarium display and an attack from an animal rights extremist group.

            Three weeks later, Ralph got a letter summoning him to court.  It seemed that Ralphette, the cashier who had helped him, was being charged with some kind of misdemeanor based on an incident with a different customer that same day.

            When Ralph got to court, Ralphette, a wonderful and darling nice girl his same age, took the stand and described a situation where a yucky bad person tried to touch her on purpose when she was cashiering and told her she didn't know anything about pet food and then came around into the desk area to grab her shoulder and she had hit him and called him a kangaroo poacher and a french fried frog leg peddler.

            "I would do it all again the same," she said.

            The lawyers said they had checked all the paperwork and surveys from that day and found Ralph's survey suggesting that that very cashier had intervened in a hostage situation.  They wanted to charge Ralph with fraud.

            Ralph took the stand and answered some questions from the lawyers and then the judge, who seemed like a nice and reasonable person.

            "Ralph, do you have anything else to say about this situation?" the judge asked him.

            "Yes," said Ralph. "I was wondering if you guys ever do marriages at this court."

            "We do," said the judge, and she helped Ralph and Ralphette get married that afternoon.  Ralph and Ralphette loved each other a lot and adopted several rescued greyhounds and built a whole wall of aquariums in their house.